Oh, No, It's ... Michael Turner's Homepage


You have reached the home page of Michael Turner. Almost certainly by mistake.

But you are here now, so you might as well poke around.

So who is this guy, anyway?

You can't judge a book by its cover. (Though you can judge people by the way they fling cliches at the problem of self-presentation.) Nevertheless, I suppose you could start by taking a look at me.

Resist as long as possible.

What does he do all day, besides insult us on the Internet?

A friend of mine says "If you can't make something good, make something short." I wish I had an easier time applying that advice to my resume, but I've been around, and have done a few things. My ambition all through high school and college was to be a killer software engineer. Then I went out into industry for a few years, and worked string of pressure-cooker jobs until my head exploded.

But I digress. In recent years, I've made my living as a technical translator (Japanese to English, mostly patents, mostly in the areas of computers, software and electronics), and by doing reservations processing and website maintenance for Tama Ryokan. I've also written a few articles for the English language press in Japan, and some even more embarrassing things.

I still dabble feebly in software, however, much as a half-crushed cockroach's mandibles and antennae might still twitch involuntarily long after the boot heel has moved on. Here is a stupid net trick to substantiate my rather flimsy claim that I can develop Japanese/English bilingual websites, using Javascript, and a CGI back-end: a Belbin Inventory web-page. It sorta works.

Does this guy do anything except brood?

Yes. When I'm not brooding professionally, fantasizing about how to get even with all those who wronged me in my career, I brood over ... good art.

For example, I love the photography of Tania Guyot. Darkly erotic, subtly apocalyptic, unpretentiously gothic. If the mark of good photography is that it makes you see the world differently, even if only for a moment or two, then this is good photography. These photos make me want to seek out Ms. Guyot in France and marry her by the wan light of a crescent moon in the wee hours of the night. Then we'd settle down at dawn into matching coffins, after brushing and flossing our fangs, and have peaceful dreams of days filled with scenes like these. You won't be in any of them. You're not cool enough. Don't feel bad about that -- hardly anybody is.

I'm also writing a book, a history of ... now, take a deep breath, you'll need it ... the concept of shooting stuff into space from the Earth's surface. Recently, to properly (if not obsessively) research this topic, I travel quite a lot, digging into musty archives and interviewing people you've never heard of. And why? For the huge bestseller status I hope to enjoy? God, no. I cheerily project a maximum worldwide market for this book of approximately 500 readers. Most of whom I might be a little leery of ever meeting up with. Perhaps you should be a little leery, too.

Oh, by the way, you can exhale now.

How can I make sure this nutbar's gonna stay the hell away from me?

You can't. Especially since I'm traveling a lot these days.

If you're starting to suffer from a gnawing unease about whether I might be haunting your neighborhood, perhaps at this very moment, well ... you're not alone. If it's really starting to eat at you, can always check my itinerary page.

Michael Turner
1-25-33 Takadanobaba
Shinjuku-ku Tokyo 169-0075
tel: 03-3209-8062
fax: 03-3209-8068
mobile: 090 9013 4803
e-mail:
leap@gol.com and turner@idiom.com