Faerie Tales

After nearly five long years of stubbornly sticking to my original blog instead of LiveJournal, I am finally making the switch. No more comments blackhole, no more pigfucking spammers, hooray. Someday, I will bring up bluehairedangie.com and have the LJ embedded there (hopefully), but I think my Idiom account is going the way of the dinosaurs.

Thanks for sticking around, those that have; come play in my other space--I promise to use cut-tags when I get loquacious as usual!

The cat is drooling all over my arm (which is trapped and immobile) and licking it off again. (more action than I've seen in years!)

Man, I suck with the PS2 controller. I'm trying to play Jaws: Unleashed, which is a fantastic concept, you're the shark, you destroy boats and eat people all over the place, but god damn, am I incapable of movement. I desperately want the "bite" button to be circle, not R1, so keep diving or something random instead of biting, and that's when I finally line myself up right and move, since I keep expecting the joystick to move as well as direct me, when it's really just the latter. Sigh. I totally suck.

This has been a pleasant weekend, with dance rehearsal and a costume-group get-together (preceded by dinner at the Best Indian Buffet, at Passage to India) yesterday, and X3 (which was quite disappointing, but hey, we got the Snakes on a Plane teaser trailer beforehand! And Hank said "Oh my stars and garters!") and Doctor Who today. Tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with The Egg and see An Inconvenient Truth with Ellie in the evening.

The only really sucky thing is that the Battlestar Galactica season two soundtrack release concert/party sold out just as I was about to RSVP, having conceded defeat (the usual suspects being unavailable) and decided to make the trip by myself. So that was crap, but I had email from the person I was hoping to hear from (yes, I'm being coy) and that's making me smile, so that's nice. And I'll be around next weekend, when I should get to socialize with a number of people, which is also nice!

Now I'm all kinds of tired because I'm back to sleeping on the futon at Ellie's (it's been like three weeks!) and it's hot and the cat is hot but she always has to glue herself to me the first night I'm here, and well. Eventually I'll do some sort of Memorial Day weekend recap, because damn, was it a crazy time, but that is not yet. Still undecided about whether I'm jumping to LJ exclusively, or if I'm going to stick it out here in the boonies. Also not sure if I'm going to take the ceramics class (hand building) or weight training or what this summer, and I should decide before long since it all starts on the 19th. But I already said I was tired, so perhaps I should get me some of that sleep, huh?

Still coughing and chest-phlegmy after nearly three weeks, so I'm very, very ready for this to be done, now. Last weekend was a hell of a ride, many kinds of wonderful mixed with an enormous amount of exhaustion. Details eventually, either here or LJ; this is mostly a test to see if the pigfucking spammers are really leaving me alone, or if they just regard the latest post as sacrosanct and will immediately attack the penultimate post. After that, we'll see if I stick with this or finally make the jump to LJ for good.

Now, however, I'm stupidly tired, have dance rehearsal in SJ at 11am, and never did get packed because I started messing around online. I'm a smart one, oh yeah.

Well. I've been sick for the last week, and boy, has it sucked. Friday was unbelievably bad, but luckily for me, I spent most of the afternoon and all evening at Chez Chris*, doing crafty costume bits and drinking honey-and-lemon near-constantly. I stayed at their place all weekend, in fact, only finally coming home last night. After this weekend, I will be able to reveal all that we were working on, but I was kept busy and didn't just lie around sick and was around wonderful people, and it was generally much better than if I'd been left at home.

I haven't even read my mail since Friday, so am woefully behind, and will simply never catch up on LiveJournal at this point, so let me know if there was anything earth-shattering or exceedingly cool that I shouldn't miss, please. I'm also...well, the spammers have really found my blog now, so I'm trying to decide what to do with this whole thing. 110+ comments on an entry is too overwhelming to deal with or block or delete, so I either need to move to another program/system entirely and/or password-protect comments, or simply move to LJ entirely. Frankly, since I'd have to futz endlessly with the former and even teach myself how to do most of it, I'm half-tempted to just move to LJ fulltime, maybe try to make the main page look interesting at some point, but really, who actually ever visits a person's main page? We're all about the Friends function, generally.

Anyway. I'm still going to go back and answer everyone about, well, everything from cruise/family advice to general support of my school situation, along with all my mail, but it may take awhile. I've got today and tomorrow (though I'm already feeling like I need a nap) and then a final on Thursday followed by the weekend of madness, working at Fanime (as much as possible, at least), masquerade on Saturday and another final (second half of Thursday's, actually) on Tuesday. I'm not really looking forward to Fanime this weekend, since being transferred to Rovers fulltime, as it means I'm on my own for meals (these things are planned for over in con-ops), and I just don't know how much I'm going to be able to stay upright (surely I'll be better by the weekend, right?), but man. If it weren't for the swap meet (where I always do well in getting rid of stuff), I'd be half-tempted to just not work the con; hell, I'm not sure right now if I'll have the energy to manhandle the dozens of pounds of stuff upstairs and keep on top of things for the duration of the sale, on top of working a full shift (8 hours on Friday). Gah.

Anyway. Sorry for disappearing, I'll get back to folks eventually, and appreciate your patience. Wish me wellness, please.

Well, that sucked. I've spent the last three hours or so writhing in pain in my bed, stomach clenched horribly, cold shivers, the works. Or else I was hunched over in front of the toilet, whimpering that I just wanted to throw up, couldn't I please? I just finally succeeded, and while that was a horrible enough ordeal, and I'm trembling and can't stop coughing, my stomach is finally feeling better. Sigh. I don't know if I'm going to make it to class tomorrow, and this after going to see Ms. Coffey and her being all understanding and wonderful. I should sleep, but I'm afraid to until I'm sure this has really passed.

I ate dinner like seven hours ago, though, and it sure seemed like the whole damned thing came back up again; can your body really hold back from completely processing something it knows is toxic, or does it just take that long to get through your food?

Man, that was awful. I can certainly tell where I worked my muscles most in class yesterday, since pretty much everything clenched up during all that, and ow, am I sore now. I wish it was an hour or so later, because all I want is to call my mom for some comfort (I just won't mention class yet). Ok, think I'm going to try drinking some water and see about sleeping.

For anyone interested, the suspect product (as the rest of my dinner was corn on the cob) was a Veggie Patch Meatless BBQ Riblet. I don't know if this is a common problem for the things (thinking back, I may have bought them over the hill, on sale, so they might have been unrefrigerated for too long, but. I sure as hell won't be eating them again, ever.

ETA: Sometimes I hate being a girl. Due to a misremembrance in terms of date (easy to lose track of when you're down), I have bled all over my pajama bottoms and had to hand-wash them. And I'm still feeling like I could be sick at any moment, and feelilng more sore all the time (and don't trust my stomach to take painkillers right now). Goddamnit, I finally faced up to everything yesterday, and was trying to make everything better starting today. This is one hell of a crappy way to begin.

I hope you all have enjoyed your little trip down TMI lane; I'm going to lie down and hopefully sleep now, because I'm too sore and trembly to stay online any longer.

This is not going to be a cheery post, for which I apologize; I've got something nicely cheerful coming up next (here's hoping the changes to the syndication thing allow for multiple-post-days), I promise, and this needs to be said.

I've been pretty deeply sunk into depression for the last few weeks. Before spring break, I realized that I'd screwed up calculus beyond recovery, and then proceeded to be paralyzed about chemistry, culminating in a horrible test grade, which further sapped my certainty, and well. I think it was a mistake to stay home and do nothing but read for spring break, as I ended up with zero motivation and little accomplishment (though at least I cleared some books off my shelves that I don't really need to keep).

Last week was really, really bad; I couldn't get myself to class or bring myself to work on my lab reports or the chem problems or anything. I read kind of listlessly (for perfect irony, it was mostly Calvin and Hobbes, me sighing deeply every time Calvin procrastinated on schoolwork), slept randomly and poorly, ate seldom and badly when I did (and I'm usually an extremely hungry girl), and generally felt awful. I didn't go on that Big Basin hike, the one I'd been looking forward to for over a month. I barely got myself up north for the weekend, although LA's birthday at least gave me a good reason.

I did have some fun, once I actually got out of the house; hanging out at Rancho Huevo was nice, and getting dinner was great (interest in food, and it was relatively good for me!). I was largely listless on Sunday, though made it to Alyne's last double veil workshop and costume sale afterwards. Dancing was ok, I guess, but not quite what I'd hoped. I did pick up a few fun (cheap!) things at the sale, though decided I couldn't afford the gorgeous metal bedlah sets I'd most particularly wanted, and then someone else snapped them up (at which point I would have paid whatever for them, of course). On to Stanley's restaurant for LA's birthday festivities, watching the Sharks/Preds game with a bunch of friends. Hell of a nailbiter, and not a particularly fun third period, but yay, the Sharks won, so second round, here we come.

Back home, couldn't summon the focus to do a damned thing, and started to come to terms with something. I wasn't going to finish chemistry, not with a passing grade, at least. Yesterday was the worst, when I looked around my room and couldn't even summon the interest to read something, when there's still a lot of unread books left on my shelves; that's when I really admitted there was something wrong, and that depression best fitted its shape. So today I went to campus, determined that I can easily drop classes on the web (instead of needing to get signatures and turn in paperwork), and first talked to my sociology teacher, confessing the whole depression thing and conveying my uncertainty about continuing any classes at all. She was enormously supportive and helpful, and insisted both that I stay in her class and that I'll pull through this and do well in the future. She suggested I talk to someone in health services, and generally gave me a lot of good advice, which surprised and touched me.

Next I went over to the gym, hoping to catch my total fitness instructor, as I'd missed a few weeks of class and wasn't sure if I could still do credit/no credit or what. She was also supportive and insisted I come to class, as exercise is imperative to overcoming depression (which I know, but getting out of the house was too hard), and suggested coming to her TTH weight lifting class as well, both to keep up the exercise and make up the missed classes. So I'll probably even get a grade for the class, which is nice. Working out did feel good, though I had to re-create my workout regimen and start from scratch with the weight amounts, as it had been so long.

Then I went to health services, kind of breathlessly explained I'd been feeling depressed but it wasn't life-or-death (mortifyingly, I noticed the chem-tutor-guy I had a crush on was on the other side of the room after this), but was immiately given time with a nurse practitioner, who was also supportive and helpful. Talking about the whole thing was damned hard, but I was able to articulate the whole listless/disinterest/unmotivated thing, and she confirmed that all the stress from my living space was exacerbating the problem, combined with my total uncertainty about the future, as I don't know what's going to happen with me this fall or next year or anything. I think I already see the use in a relatively impartial therapist/counselor, as she was sympathetic but not overwhelming, and easier to talk to that I'd have expected.

I've been kinda pulling away from people (my mother most particularly, as I haven't answered her recent calls or confessed any of this to her), because this is enormously hard to talk about. I feel like a failure, plain and simple, and I hate that. I know damned well I'll come out of this and be ok; I just don't like the setback, or acknowledging that I'm fallible, or thinking about how people will view me after this. And I know I'm no fun to be around when I'm unhappy, or needy, or whatever; I feel and emote so strongly that it gets transferred to everyone around me, which nobody likes. And my mom will be too sympathetic, will never stop worrying and will smother me with kindness from afar, which will annoy me and I'll snap at her and feel worse because she doesn't deserve it just for caring about me. So I'm not saying anything, because what can anyone do? Being completely isolated during the week makes this easier, as I avoid being online and don't call anyone anymore, and on weekends I just put school from my mind and try not to bring everyone down. Which, well, isn't particularly healthy, as I have zero support structure but clearly need it, and don't really know who to turn to.

The nurse I talked to said she was proud of me for admitting that I needed help, which nearly made me break down crying; so far I've teared up a little or talked through sniffles, but I haven't actually cried over any of it. I don't know whether to expect a storm or not, as I'm still feeling a little...off about the whole thing. It's happening, I'm failing two classes, but it feels unreal. I feel worthless and useless and stupid and ugly and fat, all the old spectres raising their heads again. But there's determination in here, too; I'm going to get through this, and will make things work one way or another. If CSUMB won't let me in this fall or even spring, at least I can move somewhere else and get away from this awful living space, and I can re-take both calc 5B and chem 1B in fall, and think I'll do well. If they will let me transfer, I can hopefully find a place to move to early in the summer, and will again be out of this place. I'm going to call up admissions tomorrow morning and see if I can get in to see someone in the afternoon, to talk to them about the whole thing. I've also got a fasting blood test for Monday morning, to make certain it's not a physical thing (not likely, but possible, especially given my mom's thyroid history), my name's in with the counselor on campus, and I'm going to see that nurse again on Tuesday morning.

So yeah. That's the state of the Angie, where I'm afraid something is rotten, but I'm working on sorting that out. I may be a little off for awhile, so I ask for your patience and support. And, y'know, tell me I matter in your life, if it's good I'm still around (this took me about 10 minutes to type, and it still feels awkward); I need some love and reassurance right now.

I know everyone's already well aware of how much I hate it here, especially after Antgate, but jesus christ, sometimes I just want to punch the mother's head in. Today she's bitching at me about the state of the bathroom (which I admit is deplorable, beacuse this is how I get when I'm the only one doing the cleaning, but making less than half of the mess), and when I try to explain that I clean it thoroughly (if infrequently) but the daughter does not (which means I clean it less often, in retaliation; it's dumb, I know), she just says, "Oh, don't you put this on her" and promptly blames my hair dyeing for the stains that were there long before I arrived (like, grimy dirt that cannot be scrubbed out). If she'd wake up and realize what a self-centered little slob her darling is, we'd be fine, but that'll never happen.

The picture of irony, however, is her going on at me about hygiene and not wanting us to be sick, as I wash my dishes over the tiny corner of sink not covered with their filthy dishes, some of which are still covered with rotting food. And until this morning, there was quite a lovely mold colony growing in their coffee maker. For all their preaching about awareness and their religion, these are the least self-aware people I've ever met.

But they're not the center of the world, so I'm not going to talk about them anymore.

I'm in a horrible headspace, I must admit. Dropping calculus does not seem to have helped, as I'm entirely unmotivated, skipping class, all of it. Trying to turn over a new leaf for this last month, but it may be too little, too late. We'll have to see, I guess.

Good news was that my troupe, Jewel of Opar, won the People's Choice Belly Dance Contest last Sunday! The whole day was a little weird, in that I arrived after other categories had started (wanted to watch the game at LA's!), and for the first time in living memory, a dance event was running early, so that we were on about 45 minutes earlier than anticipated, which resulted in fewer friends in the audience, and one of our troupe members nearly missed the performance--she got there just as we started the first piece (which she doesn't dance, thankfully), and joined in for the rest. Whew.

There was a lot of fine dancing and general hanging out, and I at least assumed we'd get last place (only four troupes competing, so at least we'd have a trophy!), but hey, we'd presented our routine and it was finally done. When the started calling the winners, there was deep confusion at first, as the fourth place group was Sahar-jewel or something, so I was like, "Wait, how can there be a tie if there were only four of us?" followed by, "Hey, third, that's great!" But then we weren't called for third, or even second, and stood around staring dumbfounded at each other, variously clutching hands or arms, until they announced first place. At which we screamed like little girls (we must have looked like assholes, because it was perfectly obvious that we'd won, by process of elimination, but none of us could begin to believe it until they called our name) and eventually stumbled towards the stage. Alas, we did not win the judges' award (which came with money!), but we were euphoric, all the same.

I went to pick up a pizza afterwards (mmm, Papa John's) and went to our little potluck party, which was quite fun, even if they made me sing on the mini-karaoke thing someone brought. Went out for a drink and dessert afterwards with a couple of the girls, and eventually made it home. So that was a pretty good day! Even better was that the Sharks had won that morning, and won again Tuesday and Thursday, so we could potentially take the series tomorrow. I was at the game on Thursday and it was wonderfully fun, if terribly nail-biting at the end. Pictures of my extreme tealification to follow, I'm hoping, when LA processes through her camera. I just wish the rest of my week had been as good, or even a little productive.

Now I'm going to go scrub down that damned bathroom, and rub the mother's face in the fact (particularly in a month or two, when she's complaining again, and I can tell her it's her daughter's damned turn). Someday, I should go look at their bathroom, and point out the grimy stains matching ours, which could not possibly have been caused by my hair dye. Then I should try to get at least one of the chem lab reports done, before heading north; they're late and I'm behind on homework, and I seem to have dug myself quite a nice hole, here. Hopefully I can lever myself out again in the next couple of weeks. Wish me luck!

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