Joel Pett: Lexington Hearld Leader, June, 1997
Client: I had a dream I was a teepee -
then I had a dream I was a wigwam....what's my problem, doc?
Psychiatrist: This one I know - it's obvious - you're TWO TENTS.
(too tense, get it?)
Sign in a store Window
Cambridge
(there'll always be an)
ENGLAND
1974
| Two old friends from
way way back, from grade-school, Ben and Arnie - they're getting getting on in
years. Ben and Arnie are agnostics but just in case there's an afterlife they have a deal: whoever dies first will try to get in touch with the surviving friend. Sure enough, the day comes when Ben dies and Arnie is grief stricken. He's completely forgotten their deal when the phone rings! Arnie (answering): "Ben! It's you. It's really you. I'd know your voice anywhere. This is great. First of all tell me what it's like??" Ben: "Well, I get up when I feel like it and have a snack and then maybe I'll make love for awhile and have a nap or I'll have a nap and then make love; then a big meal, another nap, make love for awhile. That's pretty much it." Arnie: "Ben, that's amazing. Heaven sounds terrific." Ben: "Who said
anything about heaven? I'm a BUFFALO in Montana." |
Patiently the Officer watched as the patron staggered out of the bar.
After trying his key on three different cars, he finally found his, got in and was just backing out when the policeman pounced:
"You're coming with me for a breathalyzer test."
The patron put up no resistance and when the test showed an alcohol level of 0.0 the officer could NOT believe it.
"OK, buddy, what's the story. If anybody looked drunk you certainly did."
"Oh, I can explain that," replied the patron, agreeably:
"I'm the DESIGNATED DECOY."
Listen to this one.(.au sound file)
(corny, but you'll laugh)
FROM THE INTERNET
> The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by
physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for
the Journal of Court Reporting.
> By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
> Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
> On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
> She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
> The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
> I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
> Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
> suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands
> with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
> The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
> Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
> Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
> The patient refused an autopsy.
> The patient has no past history of suicides.
> The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
> Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
> Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
> The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
> only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
> She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
> The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a
> picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually
> deteriorated in the emergency room.
> The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original
complaints.
Lenny Bruce
told this one about a small plane crash in the Australian outback where the sole survivor is a baby boy.
A pack of dingo dogs who happened to be nursing their own pups suckle the baby boy and actually raise him until he's found at age 10 by a missionary couple who adopt him.
Incapable of human speech at first,he catches up fast as the devoted missionary couple teach him not only to speak, read, and write but to master the calculus and pass for French.
At age 15 the boy gets early admission to Harvard and 3 years later he's ready to start his first year of Medical School when he's run over and killed chasing a car.
VICE COSTS TOO MUCH
GOLFER JOKE
| The golfer was
looking for his ball in a marshy, swamp-like rough when he comes upon a toad who says: "I'm not really an ugly toad. If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and marry you and we'll be happy ever after." The golfer wasn't one to make snap decisions. He picked up the toad and put it in his pocket and finished his game. Finally the toad's voice comes from his pocket: "Did you forget me? I'm the beautiful princess. If you kiss me, you'll see." "No deal." - replies the golfer. "But why?" - asks the astonished princess-toad. "To tell you the truth, Princess, I've reached a point in life life where I'd rather have a talking toad than another wife." |
"Sematech
President W. Spencer smiles for the camera and destroys the clean room at the same time. (Sci
Am)."
Lee Lorenz from the
New Yorker.
